a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal.

this year has started with a giant drag
and i feel so far, dragged into to it,
without much thought.
it started a couple of days in by hitting
me over the head with flu.

i have been forcing myself to paint something,
anything, just paint, if i don't, i start to
lose focus.. the longer i lose focus..
the longer i start to evaluate everything around
me.. never good.. best just to ignore the nagging
doubts and just get on with it..

i'm in two (possibly more) minds (and most of the
time) if i should apply for registration with an
upcoming entry exhibition, every nagging doubt
inside my head tells me "don't bother, it's a waste
of time" - and, sometimes, the best way to deal with
rejections, is to not put yourself in the position
to have to deal with it... not very ambitious, but
sometimes you have got to know your station and not
travel above it..
i think (know) this is way above, but temptation of
the ..maybe..
all art is subjective anyway, who can really judge,
i've been told many times to 'stick to the day job'
but i keep ignoring them and landing another exhibition..

this post, like this year so far is going nowhere,
nowhere slowly, and kind of weaving a bit off centre.